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These aren’t very smart and probably will only make things worse, but hey, got a better solution?

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Clogged sink? Pour a bunch of sugar in the sink. In a few days thousands of ants will have discovered it and eaten it and your clog away. It only takes about a week and problem solved.

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Surrounded by bears? Bears like to be tickled. However, make sure you tickle them all because bears get jealous and jealous bears are really dangerous.

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Door sticking in frame? Get 7 pounds of butter. Slather the butter on the door’s edge and on the frame. For the next three days station yourself outside the door to ward off raccoons. Repeat if necessary.

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Have to smile but you’re not in the mood? Pull back your cheeks as far as they can go and hold this position for 45 minutes. Get the picture in quickly though, your smile will only last 30 seconds.

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Stale bun? Make some flavoured gelatin and while it is still liquid put it in a kitchen syringe and pump it into the bun. Let it sit for an hour and you’re ready to eat a nice kiwi-lime tasting bun.

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Bathroom mirror keep fogging up? Take a can of yellow paint, (or your favourite colour) and paint over the mirror. Paint doesn’t fog up, it’s a proven fact.

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Cat got your tongue? Find a friend and give them a note explaining what happened. Let them negotiate with the cat to get your tongue back. Expect to be feeding your cat premium meat and fish for at least a year.

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The Everyone no one has heard of parade is coming to Dufferin county.

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Society For The Preservation of Cooties: No one wants cooties, especially someone else’s, and this organization sees that as a real problem. As we have become more aware of how to avoid cooties, the natural population has dropped to near levels of extinction. This society wants to protect the cooties.

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The Pinky Preference Association: Some people like to do everything with their pinkies but that can be hard, as most products are made to be used with your index finger. This group wants to change that by convincing companies to make pinky friendly products.

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Friends Of The Stink Bug Club: This one is pretty self explanatory. Not many people like stink bugs, but these people sure do and they want you to know it. Word of caution. Don’t get too close to this float.

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The Belly Lint Society: Believe it or not, there are people who collect belly lint and create art. Sure, that’s really gross, but who’s to judge. They are always on the lookout for new suppliers, but have a hard time getting the word out.

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NEW CITY ORDINANCE WILL FINALLY FORCE TREES TO CLEAN UP THEIR OWN MESS!

Are you tired of having to rake up the leaves dropped by inconsiderate trees? You are not alone. That’s why city council has unanimously passed a by-law that will force trees to deal with their own mess. Starting October 1st all trees within city boundaries will have to dispose of their own dead leaves, and that includes the purchasing of those annoying paper bags that never stay open when you are trying to fill them. It’s about time!

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ARE YOU BORED WITH PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES? ME TOO!

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That’s why this year I’ll be drinking the newest fall trend: Turnip Spice Lattes!! Who needs another pumpkin spice anything? No one. That’s who! So why not join me in something new and exciting? When you go to your 

favourite cafe this fall ask for a turnip spice latte instead of your regular, boring, over-hyped pumpkin spice drink. When they say they don’t have it, tell them you will be boycotting their establishment. Go home and make a sign that reads, “We want turnip spice lattes” and march around their door until they give in to this modern idea and serve you what you really want. Nothing says “fall” like turnips!!

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