
St. Catharines to get a new
penguin-shaped hotel/casino?
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Local developer Buck Cash hopes to build a 150 foot tall hotel/casino in St. Catharines shaped like a penguin. We were curious so we met up with him for an interview.
So you propose to build a 150 foot high hotel and casino in downtown St. Catharines in the shape of a penguin.
Not proposing. We’re building it.
But is it even legal to have a casino in this city?
Well not now, but once it’s built who’s not going to want to see it open and running?
I think you’ll find that a lot of people won’t want to see it open.
Well, we’ll just have to win them over won’t we? Maybe we can have Wednesday Wing Nights or a free sock giveaway or something.
OK, well that’s a plan I guess. But let’s take a look at your design. You are going to build a 150 foot building in the shape of a… penguin?
That’s right! She’ll be glorious.
OK, um, this might seem like a silly question, but why a penguin?
Well this is Canada after all.
What’s that got to do with anything?
We wanted our new hotel/casino to truly represent the Great White North.
But you must know that there are no penguins in Canada.
Yes there are. At the North Pole.
You might be thinking of the puffin. That’s a Canadian bird from the north. Penguins are more of a Antarctic thing.
Sure, there are penguins down south, but I’m talking about Canada’s penguins.
Look, there are no penguins in Canada!
Wow. You really hate penguins.
No. I love penguins. I think they are magnificent birds. But that’s not the point!
Don’t apologize. You may not love our native penguins now, but you’ll love to see them represented in all their glory in our amazing casino.
But… I’m not… you can’t… oh never mind. So what are you going to name this place?
Caesar’s.
Do you mean “Emperor” like the type of penguin?
No. Caesar’s, like the guy from ancient Rome.
An emperor.
I don’t care what he was. He has a great name.
OK, forgetting that there is already a casino named Caesar’s, and you don’t even know who the guy was, what then has he got to do with penguins?
There were penguins in ancient Rome just like we have here!
Augh! Sputter! Sigh. I give up. So let’s say you actually get to build this hotel of yours, what will you do if no one comes to it.
We have a back-up plan.
Oh? What’s that?
If we don’t get a gambling permit, we will turn the hotel into a sanctuary for Canada’s most incredible bird, the penguin.
But we don’t have penguins in Canada!!
Are you supposed to be that shade of red?
St. Catharines Is Going To The Moon!
In a move that caught everyone by surprise, St. Catharines City Council announced that it will be the first municipality to send a crewed mission to the moon. “We looked at our budget,” said one councillor, “and saw there was a surplus and thought, ‘hey, we could really do something with this.’” After hours of behind- doors debate, it was decided that what the city really needed was the distinction of having the first local citizen walk on the surface of the moon. “Sure we could have used the money to fill in some potholes or plant a few trees in some park somewhere, but where’s the glory in that?” said another councillor. “We wanted to do something big. Something that would really make an impact!” The city has scheduled the launch for
2026. When asked how much it would cost and if there was enough in the surplus to cover it, we were told, “We put our heads together and came up with a figure of around 18 billion USD. Our surplus is around $7, so there’s a way to go yet. Keep an eye out for our new tax initiatives, and just remember, it’s all for the glory of our beautiful City.” Proposed taxes to help raise money for the launch include: The every-blade-of-grass tax, a new tax on discarded pet hair, the pay-to-breathe initiative, and the all in tax-on-everything tax.
City Council will begin looking for volunteers to help with the moon launch right away. “We are looking for people with vision,” said the councillor, “and life insurance.” Volunteers are needed to fill many positions from launch technicians to astronauts. The council is hoping to fill as many of the needed roles with volunteers as possible to offset the cost of the rocket and the infrastructure needed to launch it.
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